My son’s mom.

NOTE: This is not on topic, and yes very transparent…I hope it will be a post of healing.

Last month as the earthquake shook Haiti, like many of you I had to do something, I had to play a part in the people’s lives. My son’s mom was in the midst of an adoption of two children from Haiti, so I setup a page to help them wrap up the final finances and take advantage of the window that opened for them to bring the children home.

That was incredible to watch unfold, I’m thankful for all of you who stepped up and helped make that happen…but that’s not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about one line that I was really shocked to receive so many comments and emails about:

My son’s mom (yes, also my ex-wife but she’s so much more my son’s mom than she is my ex-wife that I hate calling her that) has spent…

Many of you thanked me, applauded, etc. that outlook. That really made something click that I’d like to share with you so that you, if you’re divorced, can internalize it or pass it on to someone who is.

I was divorced about 14 years ago. That year after our divorce was a very dark and angry year, she hated me, I hated her…all the ugliness of divorce. But there was a boy involved, we may have had a terrible marriage, I may have been a terrible husband…but we had an incredible son together.

A bit of a wrench. I could be angry at my ex-wife, but how could I be hate my son’s mom?

That was the turn in our relationship. I look back now and realize that I stopped seeing her as my ex-wife and started appreciating her as my son’s mom. Now before you try to tell the rest of the story, no, this is not the story of a marriage rebuilt, etc. We remain divorced, she was remarried 10 years ago, I was remarried 5 years ago.

This is a story of new wineskins and of the new song God gave to us.

Phone calls that would always end in yelling and hateful words, now end with “talk to ya later.”

Holidays that once held nothing but contention, now are peaceful celebrations.

Parenting that once had to be done on two different fronts is now unified and together.

Let me pause, and recognize that my son probably doesn’t appreciate this today. He can’t pit us against each other, can’t go to one when the other doesn’t give him his way, and then there are the family meetings.

I am blessed to have an absolutely incredible son. He has a big call on his life, and he lives within that calling, it shows….but sometimes he’s still a teenager and makes missteps. Usually those are handled with his mom and I have a phone call, putting together a game plan and consistently parenting. But sometimes I call a family meeting.

A family meeting consists of me, my wife, his mom, and her husband…and our son. We dig in, deal with the situation and show a unified front. And it works. Like I said, he probably doesn’t appreciate it today, but he will.

Some hear our story, how we do things, how we will all at times go out to dinner, and how my wife and my ex-wife will go to a woman’s conference together and say “that’s weird.”

It is weird, or better described as “unusual”. It is also unusual for divorced families to have peace and harmony. It’s also unusual for an ex-husband celebrating his ex-wifes accomplishments. It’s also unusual to feel appreciation as a parent.

If you’re divorced, I urge you, beg you…go for unusual. Stop looking at your ex as your ex, stop looking at who she (or he) was and who she is now – your child’s mom. It’s not easy, it takes time, but it is so worth it.

Be Sociable, Share!

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 13th, 2010 at 11:06 am and is filed under Uncategorized . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • http://www.kevindhendricks.com Kevin D. Hendricks

    Thanks, Michael. Divorce sucks. It’s awesome that you were able to transform that broken relationship. Talk about grace. That had to have been so hard, but that you were able to do it for your son is a big thing.

    My parents divorced when I was in college so I had a small taste of that. Thankfully they got back together.

  • http://www.kevindhendricks.com Kevin D. Hendricks

    Thanks, Michael. Divorce sucks. It’s awesome that you were able to transform that broken relationship. Talk about grace. That had to have been so hard, but that you were able to do it for your son is a big thing.

    My parents divorced when I was in college so I had a small taste of that. Thankfully they got back together.

  • Pingback: uberVU - social comments

  • Debbie

    I too am divorced…72 alimony checks…I never wanted it, he cheated on me and asked me for it. He was an alcoholic for the last 10 years of our marriage and i was the only one who did any parenting. The reason he drank was not me by the way!

    We are finally getting to the civilized talking stage and it is always about the kids. I would never have divorced him. Never. 30 years is a long time to be together. You share a lot in 30 years and when you have children, you share a lifetime. You are very smart and lucky to have found a way to work for the benefit of your son. All my best.

  • Debbie

    I too am divorced…72 alimony checks…I never wanted it, he cheated on me and asked me for it. He was an alcoholic for the last 10 years of our marriage and i was the only one who did any parenting. The reason he drank was not me by the way!

    We are finally getting to the civilized talking stage and it is always about the kids. I would never have divorced him. Never. 30 years is a long time to be together. You share a lot in 30 years and when you have children, you share a lifetime. You are very smart and lucky to have found a way to work for the benefit of your son. All my best.

  • http://www.stevefogg.typepad.com Steve Fogg

    Hi Michael,

    Thanks for your post.

    As someone who has gone thru the incredible pain of divorce I appreciate your honesty and openess that you’ve approached this post.

    Fortunately in my situation there was no children. But it was still the single worst time of my life. I have no comprehension of what it is like with a son involved. Props to you that you could in time work it out how to manage it well.

    So often in our “world” we have a wafer thin veneer of ‘got it all together’ when infact we’re all broken and are a work in progress.

    Thanks for reminding me of that (in a good way)

  • http://www.stevefogg.typepad.com Steve Fogg

    Hi Michael,

    Thanks for your post.

    As someone who has gone thru the incredible pain of divorce I appreciate your honesty and openess that you’ve approached this post.

    Fortunately in my situation there was no children. But it was still the single worst time of my life. I have no comprehension of what it is like with a son involved. Props to you that you could in time work it out how to manage it well.

    So often in our “world” we have a wafer thin veneer of ‘got it all together’ when infact we’re all broken and are a work in progress.

    Thanks for reminding me of that (in a good way)

  • http://www.joesindorf.com JoeSindorf

    Thank you for going off message and revealing your story of grace. My grandparents were divorced. My dad was divorced prior to marrying my mother. I should have been divorced – but my wife put up with the pain and agony and shame of working though my sin. She’s God’s greatest gift to me (except for salvation) and I thank God for her every day.

    Thanks for showing us a picture of God’s restoration.

  • http://www.joesindorf.com JoeSindorf

    Thank you for going off message and revealing your story of grace. My grandparents were divorced. My dad was divorced prior to marrying my mother. I should have been divorced – but my wife put up with the pain and agony and shame of working though my sin. She’s God’s greatest gift to me (except for salvation) and I thank God for her every day.

    Thanks for showing us a picture of God’s restoration.

  • http://www.mtcpbuckingham.blogspot.com Your Wife

    I grew up in a bubble.

    It wasn’t until high school that I really even knew what divorce was or the impact it had on future generations. In fact, it wasn’t until I met you that I even had a clue how the ramifications of a single decision affected ones family structure.

    From what I’ve been told from you and Jessica, I am glad I didn’t know either of you during or right after the divorce (though you both have some pretty funny stories). It was ugly!

    Today, Tyler has a terrific mom and a terrific dad. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is because your eyes focused on God, and not on finding fault in each other. I am proud of both of you.

    • Michael Buckingham

      Thank you My Wife, I couldn’t do this without you. You keep me tempered and clear headed. Thank you for giving me the space to lead our family, even when you don’t always agree.

  • http://www.mtcpbuckingham.blogspot.com Your Wife

    I grew up in a bubble.

    It wasn’t until high school that I really even knew what divorce was or the impact it had on future generations. In fact, it wasn’t until I met you that I even had a clue how the ramifications of a single decision affected ones family structure.

    From what I’ve been told from you and Jessica, I am glad I didn’t know either of you during or right after the divorce (though you both have some pretty funny stories). It was ugly!

    Today, Tyler has a terrific mom and a terrific dad. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is because your eyes focused on God, and not on finding fault in each other. I am proud of both of you.

    • Michael Buckingham

      Thank you My Wife, I couldn’t do this without you. You keep me tempered and clear headed. Thank you for giving me the space to lead our family, even when you don’t always agree.

  • http://fayebryant.com Faye

    I found myself divorced at 30 mainly because he had an affair with a co-worked whom I’d called friend. Bad situation all the way around. I wasn’t living like a believer. More like a poster child for unbelief. He married her. I met a man and married him. He didn’t like me and I just needed protection from abuse.

    Somehow, he kept forgetting to put his child support check in the mail, and somehow he kept forgetting to call or visit his son, much less take him on his weekends. When I sought assistance for the support, he fought back by promising the then-teenager with his own room, telephone, television, video games, no bedtime, few rules and the ferret he longed for. My son moved out to live with him.

    Fast forward through the long sordid tale, when my son graduated Air Force boot camp we were both there. His father had had major heart surgery a year or so before and the heat in August in San Antonio was brutal. I invited him to ride in the air-conditioned car with us. The transformation in my heart blew his mind. We had an enjoyable talk over lunch and even laughed together. We don’t stay in communication much any longer, though, he chooses a different life than I and our son is an adult now. I can only wish we’d had the kind of relationship you have with your son’s mom.

  • http://fayebryant.com Faye

    I found myself divorced at 30 mainly because he had an affair with a co-worked whom I’d called friend. Bad situation all the way around. I wasn’t living like a believer. More like a poster child for unbelief. He married her. I met a man and married him. He didn’t like me and I just needed protection from abuse.

    Somehow, he kept forgetting to put his child support check in the mail, and somehow he kept forgetting to call or visit his son, much less take him on his weekends. When I sought assistance for the support, he fought back by promising the then-teenager with his own room, telephone, television, video games, no bedtime, few rules and the ferret he longed for. My son moved out to live with him.

    Fast forward through the long sordid tale, when my son graduated Air Force boot camp we were both there. His father had had major heart surgery a year or so before and the heat in August in San Antonio was brutal. I invited him to ride in the air-conditioned car with us. The transformation in my heart blew his mind. We had an enjoyable talk over lunch and even laughed together. We don’t stay in communication much any longer, though, he chooses a different life than I and our son is an adult now. I can only wish we’d had the kind of relationship you have with your son’s mom.

  • Michael Buckingham

    Thank you Faye for sharing your story. It continues to amaze me at how God can transform us not just on Sundays’ but in real tangible ways.

    We often talk about the physical when we talk about healing, but God’s healing is much more than just our physical body. He loves all of us, inside out.

    Thank you for not harboring the bitterness to a degree that it would hurt your son’s relationship with his father. My father and I were absent in each others lives for many years, when the healing happened between him and I not everyone in my family celebrated, some even felt betrayed. Long story for another time, but thank you for realizing a son needs his father…yes, even if the father isn’t very good at being a dad.

  • Michael Buckingham

    Thank you Faye for sharing your story. It continues to amaze me at how God can transform us not just on Sundays’ but in real tangible ways.

    We often talk about the physical when we talk about healing, but God’s healing is much more than just our physical body. He loves all of us, inside out.

    Thank you for not harboring the bitterness to a degree that it would hurt your son’s relationship with his father. My father and I were absent in each others lives for many years, when the healing happened between him and I not everyone in my family celebrated, some even felt betrayed. Long story for another time, but thank you for realizing a son needs his father…yes, even if the father isn’t very good at being a dad.

  • Gayla Meier

    When I read your post earlier, I was touched, my heart hurt. You are truly blessed to have restored a relationship in that way. However my situation is a little different. My situation is too many words. That is why I didn’t respond. Also I don’t want to say negative words about the situation anymore. Basically I just have to keep on forgiving for my own health’s sake. And I was thinking of something nice my ex husband has done and that would be that he and his wife sent me a very nice sympathy card when my sister died. And because that is such a rare thing from him– it touched my heart like someone had just given me a million dollars. I don’t think this is being posted everywhere and I really don’t want it to be.

  • Gayla Meier

    When I read your post earlier, I was touched, my heart hurt. You are truly blessed to have restored a relationship in that way. However my situation is a little different. My situation is too many words. That is why I didn’t respond. Also I don’t want to say negative words about the situation anymore. Basically I just have to keep on forgiving for my own health’s sake. And I was thinking of something nice my ex husband has done and that would be that he and his wife sent me a very nice sympathy card when my sister died. And because that is such a rare thing from him– it touched my heart like someone had just given me a million dollars. I don’t think this is being posted everywhere and I really don’t want it to be.

  • Sarah

    Michael –
    This is so right…and beautifully said. As the aunt of that amazing son of yours, I could not be more thankful for all you and Jessica have done to consistently parent together.
    Thank you.
    Sarah

  • Sarah

    Michael –
    This is so right…and beautifully said. As the aunt of that amazing son of yours, I could not be more thankful for all you and Jessica have done to consistently parent together.
    Thank you.
    Sarah